eeeeeee
chippy chippy choppa choppa luvee luvee lava lava mahikome dooby dooby boom boom boom boom 😀
owo
this goes out to my best friend dan. he is so cool and wonderful and 10/10 would sillymandan again.
hes just real great guys. i think that he deserves 500 medals and 500 million dollars. he deserves all of the clouds in his brain to leave forever on extended* vacation.
*extended as in they die
OH WA AH AHA AH
Hello world!
ITS HIM!!!!
back to comicland
it’s… so weird, making comics again. i’ve been working on and off on justice avenue thumbnails for the past few weeks, because i missed the series and really wanted to engage with it in a soft reboot. i’ve gotten to the stage where I’m actually sketching the pages out, and man… i haven’t touched Untitled in two years, and while i have drawn and posted comics in the past few months, i haven’t really sat down and done a page and panel comic in a bit. the last time i worked on a page comic was mid last year! it’s a silly experience, and it makes me wonder why i’ve been so detached from it for so long. i wonder when I’ll go back to working on untitled.
i’m excited for justice avenue though. i really wanna make it fully indulgent. but i do think there’s still some anxiety i have with posting things online. i wanna share! but i think the anticipation anxiety of being gone so long is something keeping me from fully indulging in it. i think the only way i’ll overcome it is exposure therapy, unfortunately. so i have to get up and!!! post the thing.
however, i think other than that, i’ll keep stuff to myself for a while. mostly because posting anything at all stresses me out nowadays.(but thats a conversation for another time)
sorry to folks who like my work! but at least you get the comics! (and anything that i sporadically share)
thinking about the blog
something that i’ve noticed recently is that i feel very uptight about the things i consider making a blog post about, and i think i really wanna change that!
especially since bearblog has a tagging system, I think it’s even better for me to kinda just Write Whatever I Want.
i also just have a Lot of thoughts and feel as though posting about em in a blog might do me good 🫡
it doesn’t have to be some polished piece of work for me to seem it worthy, it just has to be my thoughts, and… that’s about it! lol though for smaller thoughts, they’ll always be housed on my thoughts page.
the dream vs your dream
i just watched this short from john green talking about how after the fault in our stars released, he had a bunch of opportunities, his book got turned into a movie, he had all these deals… and he was living the dream!
but while he was grateful, he wasnt living his dream. and that kinda stuck with me.
i feel like its encouraged me to look inward and figure out what that means for me. after the past couple of years struggling with my mental health and also just what i wanted for my future as a whole, i kind of feel like ive fallen into the same line of thinking that the dream is the most desirable one… without really thinking what id want for me.
especially since now, ive fought for art to be a hobby for me again, it almost feels like i lost many years chasing something i never really wanted in the first place— and that i only really chased after it with the desire and thought that it would make me happy, fulfilled, and stable.
i definitely know now that it wasnt the path i was meant to go on. nor do i think that everything was quite wasted on that path, despite all the roadblocks, trips, and cracks throughout.1
i feel like walking on a road that wasnt built for me, in part, helped me realize what comes more naturally.
i guess the question now is: what next? do i go looking for that answer knowing now what im meant to be looking for? looking for what ‘my dream’ really is?
i suppose so 🤔 its better than feeling aimless like i had been for a while.
though i do know… when i retire, i want to run a bookstore cafe. i want to have a third space for people to go to after school, or work, or whatever. mostly full of comics, graphic novels, and manga, since we dont have many independent stores that sell those, at least around here. usually my job ideas revolve around books2 so……..
lets start there 🫡
(theres probably more i could say about this tbh, but!!!! brain is pbbt, so maybe another time)
Rambles #1
I have a few things rumbling around in my head, and I figure writing them down will make my brain less full. so! blog time
I’ve been watching some videos and short films on YouTube1 that’s really been making me think about how I go through life. I feel like I spend a lot of time not present, and I get stuck in my phone and not really spending time experiencing things in front of me. Sometimes, it almost makes me wish I could just delete all social media, and live on my website. This is something I very much can do, but the bonds and connections I’ve made with people, and the artists I look up to and admire being on those platforms make it hard for me to give up. So, what do I do?
I could in theory invest more time into RSS feeds, I kind of like them!
I’d just have to find avenues that make it easier for me to connect to Twitter and Instagram; the ones I have kiiinda break the feed. I kind of have a solution for Twitter now, nitter, but I feel like I could do something else. Or, maybe it’s the best option out there. Who knows!
It’s very tempting to start deleting apps. The tricky thing is, a good chunk of the apps I do kinda use, albeit on and off. I suppose I could go through them and see what is and isn’t benefiting me.
An aside across this line of thinking also has attached to my perception of my art and what I’m doing with it. I’m a recovering workaholic, and so nowadays I spend a lot of time making sure I don’t fall down the same rabbit holes and relapse into not taking care of myself. I’ve done pretty good at rebuilding the structure of my connection to my craft, but sometimes I do, in tandem with social media, feel as though my work’s worth is tied to how many people like it.
I definitely don’t think my work is bad, but I also know that it’s not commonly desired in more general circles, as I’ve come to understand— Especially in the cases of applying to some zines or other miscellaneous group projects.
Now, I could just stave off and not join any of these things, but the community that fosters from these types of projects is something that makes it disheartening to watch from the other side, as you’re almost never allowed to join (as I most often only really get ‘in’ when it’s made by a friend or someone I know).
It does, in a way, also make it easier for me to throw my hands up, and go: “Well I’m making it for me! So whatever if no one else2 likes it!”— Which I’m kind of attempting to do, since I do make this for myself, and enjoy engaging with it as if someone else made it specifically for me.
Ultimately, I think just focusing on my work (and life) rather than getting distracted by the hustle and bustle of social media is probably the best course of action to take. I want to enjoy things, make things, etc and not regret letting the days go by.3 4
- one about a pocket notebook, the art of slow living, your boring life is beautiful, and why I chose a boring life, to name a few. ↩︎
- hyperbolic, of course. ↩︎
- also I REALLY wanna go back to traditional sketching in a physical sketchbook. I used to do it All the time, and now I don’t do it much anymore ಥ‿ಥ ↩︎
- same as it ever was ↩︎
hobby vs working artist thoughts
there’s this one artist I like that was talking about in comic form how they realized that they couldn’t do art as only a hobby because their full time job would take all their energy away from art (and so they changed course and became a full time illustrator bc it was their passion)
and it makes me think about how I kinda had to do the reverse making art under capitalism can be very crushing, physically, mentally, and emotionally demanding. especially if you do freelance, you have to always be on your toes, always poking for opportunities for work, having to market yourself all the time, and actively engaging in social media so you can build an audience. on the other end? you’d have to usually relocate to do studio work with a company. they almost always require in house unless it’s indie. and the jobs just aren’t there right now.
for me, I fell off the ‘wanting to be an animator for a studio’ wagon early, and then subsequently fell off the freelance artist train when I burnt myself out so badly it scared me.
I do not have the stamina to work in a studio, and am not willing to relocate to do so.
I do not have the patience, resolve, or willpower to become a freelance artist/social media artist. I don’t care enough about making things to satisfy an audience. i get obsessive with numbers and it becomes my downfall.
I get overwhelmed and insecure that my hard work is reduced to luck, meaning I have no power over how my path goes, regardless if I game the system in every way, shape, or form.
it ruined me and turned me into a workaholic, and I’m never going back to that.
so it’s a hobby for me. and I’d prefer it be that way because it’s more fun, it’s more indulgent, and that’s the reason I made art to begin with. it’s primarily why I mostly draw my ocs, honestly I don’t really care about whether other people like it or not. because I do and that’s the only opinion that matters. of course I do enjoy that people like my stuff as much as I do, but I’m not doing it for them. maybe for some of my friends who are interested for some of my projects, but if I don’t wanna see it through, it’s not going to happen.
it was just interesting for me to get another perspective— while I dont think— actually, I know— I wouldn’t go down a freelance path again, I’m glad to see people were lucky enough to do so.
I’d like to hope one day I can sustain off my art. but it’s no skin off my back if not. anymore at least!